Doubtful Decisions

Every time I have imagined my future it has involved exotic places and adventures with strangers, daring rescues and sword fights, discovering new worlds and different cultures. That's my dream. If I went back and talked to the younger version of myself, the one that always wanted to be a pirate version of the Princess Belle, and tell her that I am now a Math Education major she would laugh in my face. With good reason, too.

All the dreams I had as growing up consisted of getting out of Texas and staying out. However, I now feel as if I have sworn my soul to this state, although that's not an entirely bad thing, and have no chance of escape. For those who are actually reading this and don't understand why I would be trapped allow me to elaborate on the struggles of the teaching certification test.

Each state offers their own test that has varying topics on it. Not one is ever the same. In order to be a licensed teacher, in any state, you have to pass the test. OK. So not as hard to understand as I made it out to seem, however.

So, if I stay with this major, I am sentencing myself to the dusty plains and the dry lands that I have called home for the last, almost, two decades. Don't get me wrong, I love Texas. Almost every town has a rich history and a major contribution in making Texas what it is today. That's not what I want though. I want to go somewhere where the scenery is not the same all year and you can't see for more than a mile in front of you. I want trees and skyscrapers, parties and a sport other than football. I want one season at a time! (thank you Texas Panhandle).

I want adventure.

Now, realize, I love my major. That's the strange thing. I love going to my calculus class and pretending that I know what the teacher is talking about and I have enjoyed my education classes. Every time I go out to a school to observe I can smile and laugh with the students and genuinely enjoy their company. It is an amazing feeling when you sit down and explain a concept to a student that they didn't understand but then you see the light go off in their head. It leaks out onto their face in a triumphant smile and the quicker flick of the pencil. If you haven't experienced that I encourage you to find a way to because it fulfills you more than you think it ever could.

Maybe that's why I have stayed for as long as I have.

There is something that overshadows my want for adventure. My NEED to help people. I don't mean help people by just giving them advice, although that has become a part of it. To me, helping people means bringing them from where they were into where they can be. I understand that I cannot do that if I am traveling focusing on myself instead of the people around me.

I want to help people. 

I don't know what I am going to end up doing with my life, it's only freshman year. Honestly, I don't know if I will ever have it worked out. Maybe one day when I'm laying on my death bed it will all suddenly become very clear and as I am uttering the meaning to life I will simply roll over and die. That would be an ironic moment that I could gladly go out on. For now, I'm going to stay with teaching and maybe one day I'll be able to go and see all the places I've only seen in pictures and dreams.